Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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