In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
