One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
