two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
