You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
