I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
