This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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