I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
