You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
