My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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