The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Randomize