I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
