Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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