I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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