Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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