Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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