girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
