Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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