how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Also, beer. Big fan.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
