the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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