You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
