He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
