my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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