So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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