i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
