Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
