you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
