You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
