remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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