i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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