he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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