he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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