I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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