There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Randomize
