I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize