I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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