what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
