Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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