I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
