false alarm. still invincible.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
