textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
