So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
