Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I checked into jail on foursquare
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
