I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
