i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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