The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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