Umm I'm too high to move.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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