It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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