I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He couldnāt find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
