apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Dicks are not precious.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
