maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
