And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
