I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
