it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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