I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
