My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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