i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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