you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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