honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
