I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
