theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
