His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize