I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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