do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
