i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
