He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
