Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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