I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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